Let me entertain you

Let me entertain you
Come on just stay a while
I want to play a game with you
I promise to make you smile

Let me lift your spirits
Your energy , your pace
But don’t you get addicted
For you’ll end up a disgrace

Let me make you skinny
I’ll devour you from within
Let me keep you up all night
So you can live a life of sin

Let me penetrate you
Use your body for my home
I’m never going to leave you
Your mind is now my own

Let me drown your morals
Your virtues disappear
I’m going to make you crave me
As you no longer steer

Let me kill your pleasure
There will be only tears
Your life is not your own now
I’ll be with you for years

Let me entertain you
But don’t you dare blame me
I didn’t force myself on you
You came to meth to see…….

12 months clean !!!

Fire inside me

I’ve been feeling lately like the worst is far behind me.. I very rarely think about meth unless I’m talking about it with someone or writing about my addiction here and I don’t get the pangs of need like I did in the beginning but then emotionally it was a hard time to deal with regardless of my withdrawals and cravings . Mix that with a completely shattered thought process , other health issues and a devastatingly painful break up and I had the perfect mix for utter breakdown material . My thoughts , feelings and my body took an emotionally draining roller coaster ride that I thought would never reach the station , for a long time I thought the brakes on my pity party locomotion were worn bare. It took a lot of lonely nights alone thinking and trying to find myself under the genuine rot I had allowed my life to become before I finally felt like I was breathing unassisted again and able to really look at myself from the outside in but then my body gave me a nice big cup of fuck you in the form of an auto immune disease to teach me again about the little things I gave up appreciating and taught me a valuable lesson learning to rebuild myself from a broken down mess once more.
I used to liken the way meth made me feel towards the end of my addiction like being in a glass box watching the world around me and banging on that glass wanting someone , anyone to stop and take notice that you are flailing and need there help. Just one person to come rescue you and save you from yourself as once your addiction takes hold you don’t know how to save yourself and just stop.
I had that person who noticed , who even though fighting his own battle could see I was loosing mine and he did something that I will always love him for. He didn’t pick me up like a knight in shining armour and rush me away from it all and make it easy . He simply opened the lid of my glass box and walked away to fight his own demons.
He taught me in that simple gesture how to fight hard, how to be brave, how to use my inner strength to climb out of that box myself and stand on my own two feet, face my fears, shame and let go of my pride, to always remember how id gotten to that disgusting point and never allow it to happen again. I remember it all . In all the time we spent together , he as my Master and I his submissive, he taught me more after that very last day and he continues to even though I’ve not seen him in almost a year.
He showed me that I was worth saving even if I had to do the hard work all by myself. He had provided me with the first shreds of the strength and self belief I needed from within by simply showing me that although I had let my addiction take hold and hurt him beyond anything you can imagine he cared enough to give me the reality I needed because no one else was and I hope underneath the addiction he could see that just maybe the person I had professed to be before was able to claw her way back and keep her word just once .
It feels like it has taken forever to finally get to this point but I’m happy with the way things are progressing and I’ll continue to build my self worth and self love with every little step or change I make and I will be the first one to admit it’s going to be a life long story but at least now meth is not writing it for me and had it not been for my guardian Angel it may have ended long ago and I’d never have had this second chance to finally love myself and my life and just be happy .

Who invited the fun police

Yeah that’s right I want to know who sent them !!!!! Because the party is definately over in my world !!!
Sir and I spent all weekend researching natural ways to get my chronic auto immune disease under control and have found so much information that I’m on overload.
I had a really rough few days with itching and feeling like my feet were on fire. On the bright side my hands are starting to clear finally but I don’t walk on those fuckers so let’s face it fat lot of good that is when you desperately need to start exercising. Since giving up cigarettes 3 weeks ago not only has my sense of smell and taste returned but so has my bloody appetite with a vengeance !!!! If I don’t start doing something exercise wise very soon I’m going to balloon

I swapped the Meth diet for exercise and walking on the beach when I first started my recovery but walking any great distance these days is not an option and before you suggest swimming believe me if I was at a stage in rebuilding myself where I was confident enough to shrug off the stares and gawking of others instead of trying to cover my skin to avoid them then I’d rock a bikini down at the local pool but I’m just not there yet . I’m still mortified at the thought of owning this disease in a public place .
But I’ll get there eventually . Psoriasis is a lifetime membership not a disease that just goes away but can go into remission if you eat the right things and treat the disease from the inside out.
During our research we found a lot of information about UVB phototherapy and a skin super clinic that we are lucky enough to have in Australia. Even luckier is that two of the four locations of these clinics are near where I live with Sir and where my family live in Sydney . So we have organised to get an appointment there and I am currently in Detox yet again. But not from drugs or cigarettes this time but all of life’s other pleasures like alcohol…. Not on the list …. Coffee….not on the list….. Potatoes… Nope not on the list … Tomatoes…. Nup….. Chocolate….. Uh uh…. I’ve gone from a good time party girl , high as a kite dancing till 5 am on a podium in some dirty nightclub. Chain smoking vodka drinking junkie who never had to think about what she put in her mouth thanks to the ” meth diet” to a tea totalling grandma who is asleep by 7pm due to lack of stimulants and having to think about every morsel I put in my mouth …. Karma and the past will always come back to bite !!!!
But lucky for me Sir loves me for the person I am on the inside and there is no one I would want holding my hand more during this new part of my life xx

The skin I live in

Did you know that there are hundreds of creams and lotions and ointments out there on the supermarket shelf that claim to moisturise the skin, nourish the skin or relieve itch . As yet I’ve not actually found one that does exactly what it says
I have psoriasis which is a chronic life long auto immune disease that occurs when the skins regeneration which in a normal person takes 22-26 days speeds up to 2-6 days and causes red flaky plague like build up on the skins surface from it reproducing too quickly. It is mostly seen on extremities like elbows , knees and scalp but in my case i have this on my legs and a small amount on my scalp but I also have pustular psoriasis which is a non contagious pus like blisters on my hands and feet also which causes an itch and burning like sensation and I continually feel like my hands and feet are on fire.
Creams …. I’ve tried them all … Aloe Vera, non steroidal, steroids, barrier creams, Vaseline type moisturisers. You name it I’ve tried it. Coconut oil, sunflower oil, Shea butter, . The whole idea is to keep it moist so I spend a massive part of my day sitting on my ass applying cream of one form or another. It impacts your life more than anyone can imagine and I have to spend most of my day is soft slippers as it is painful to walk.
This week it became extremely irritated and caused an infection which gave me high temperatures and resulted in me having a seizure , which has meant lots of rest and trying to fight the infection yet again.
It’s like my bodies way of saying you fucked me over with your meth and drug use for two years bitch so here get this as payback.
It sucks and is a massive blow to your confidence as I’m forever trying to find things to wear that cover it.
I’m lucky that my Sir cares for me regardless and sees through it. He is the one that does the research for me on things to try and ways to manage it when I am too upset or just plain over it and having a pity party. I’m definately paying back my party debt for years of abuse to my body now.
So we are heading back up to Byron bay today so that while he does some work there I can try to recharge my immune system and get back on track with my new business which has been put on the back burner for a week while I was sick.
I’m doing all the right things like taking vitamins eating healthy organic food and drinking lots of water which I never did before and yet still my body is fighting me. I’ve been meth free for almost nine months now and off cigarettes for a few weeks now too and still my body just won’t play nice.
I actually felt healthier when I was high but it was only ever masking the underlying disease and waiting I guess until I was strong enough to fight the skin I live in now daily
Chat soon xxx

I guess there is always someone else who is worse off though and I’m still me on the inside and lucky for me that’s an okay place to be these days xx

Addicted to addictions

Meth was a love of mine for only the shortest of times in my life, yes it was definately a ” in full swing” kind of addiction but not my greatest challenge . Meth will be a battle that will stay with me for the rest of my life I’m sure but it is very much under control now and very much beatable so if there are others out there thinking they can never beat the draw of the Ice rush think again. I’m living proof that if you really want to start living life and return to the person you know underneath was there before the ugly side of your addiction took hold , it is possible , it is doable and although it is scarey as fuck to start with you just need to take that first step or like me luckily have someone give you that push and grab hold of the opportunity with both hands and run with it , run fast and as far away from anyone you associate with that addiction!!! Don’t associate with your addict mates ( word to the wise…. They are not your mates)!!!
Don’t associate with your dealers !!! They definately are not your mates!!!!
And get real with not only your family and friends who will make you accountable but the most important person …. Yourself!!!! Stop telling yourself you are ok and have it under control…. You don’t!!! Stop making excuses and blaming the drugs for your piss poor behaviour as a human. You did it, you took it, own the fuck out of it and take one day at a time.
I know one person who is probably shaking there head right now thinking this was everything he told me two years ago. And yes , he’d be right in saying so. I was not ready . But when I was I did it . I had to want getting clean more than I wanted meth . More than I wanted him . That was always the only way . I had to want it not him wanting it for me.
I’m thankful he taught me these things but I’m taking the credit for the hard work as it was I alone who got through it and he did too as far as I know but it could never have been together as we are both addicts and rule number #1 was always and will always be. Don’t associate with addicts . Right C ?
Anyway it can be done as I am proof . He is proof. So don’t give up on someone you think can’t change. They can . They just have to want to more than you want them to.
So meth…… Tick … A daily battle but under control .
Next on my list is my longest lover … Nicotine and the dirty habit of the cigarette which I’ve had since I was 15 years old … Longer than any lover lol.
We have been two peas in a pod for 24 years now and never been apart except for the last two days. That’s right I quit smoking two days ago and Jesus I can actually smell things again .
I am high on life and while the bull is running I’m going too.
If I can kick meth I can do anything I set my mind too . Me , I , Angela am one very determined as fuck woman.
Life threw me to the wolves for a while but nothing will stop me now that I am on a roll and have an amazing man who loves me in my life. And I’m finally in a really happy and safe place for the first time in so long. I’m healthy , so healthy and learning new things daily …. Like surfing!!! Yep you heard right I had my first surfing lesson at the age of almost 40 and it was a better rush than any hit of meth !!!!
Chat soon xxx

never nEVER NEVER LAND

Far too many times I’ve given up on myself because it was easier than fighting to make the changes needed. I have tended to in the past just shrug and think I can’t change it so I’ll just have to accept it or not listened to my intuitive self or aligned my life to what made me happy. I was always the people pleaser caring far too much what others thought of me and based far too much importance on Other peoples opinion of myself and my life . Instead of doing the things that really made me happy. I spent time compromising so others had a happy life and whilst you should always try to support and encourage the dreams and needs of those you love I’ve learnt that if I spend time making myself happy first and dreaming my own dreams and attending to my own needs and goals I am a much better person to the people who I do love and cherish. When I was on meth I lost the part of myself that was giving, that was kind and became nothing more than a taker in life. I took love and did not give it in return, I showed kindness not to those that loved me but my junkie mates instead and I put wants way ahead of anything I actually needed. It was the easiest way to deal with my shame. But the fact that the people in my life who stood by me can see that I am not giving up and taking the easy road this time around when things upset me or I get down has not been the motivating factor for me. I have motivated myself. I’m never never giving up on myself again. I’m never allowing someone’s opinion of me to shape the steps I take in my life anymore and whether someone loves me or hates me will not take any of the fight out of me again. Some people will love me no matter what I do and others will never love me no matter what I do. It’s taken me almost 40 years to learn to love myself . Changing the way I think about myself is a daily battle and relearning to process my thought patterns so I can again become a highly functioning adult takes inner strength and a will to not be self destructive or talk myself out of it. There is far too much going on in my head daily and sometimes I wish more than anything , I need more than anything that someone that can silence my mind and just let me be ….. But until he arrives I guess I will just keep trying to make myself the best I can be.

Holding my own pen …..

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Well i didnt think i could do it but i got past the three month mark without him. I was worried about it but it was just another day.
Being clean from my addiction has made me look at the things in my life that needed to be changed, tweeked or just deleted completely. I made decisions in that three months which im proud of finally. Im reknowned for making stupid decisions when left unsupervised. But I'm writing my own life's story now and each time something came up i would actually do the one thing he taught me which was to think if it something i couldnt tell him or my parents . Dont do it. It was made easier by the fact that when i first came home i deleted every phone number of any addict " friends" and i say that very loosely and any one that i would normally buy my drugs from. If i cant contact them i cant get the drugs. Easy right? What was i thinking , ive bumped into them , they have emailed me etc, so i know it was my will power and my own want to not let anyone who had supported me down that made me make those good decisions. When i first got home and told my mum whom im super close with that i was a drug addict and i needed her help to get clean , she did not hesitate in her support of me and even got rid of my crack pipe for me . Handing that too her to dispose and seeing the disappointment on her face drives me daily to succeed. Im not perfect but i made it through the first major checkpoint alone. He and i had made plans to meet up after three months and get high together. He is now on the other side of the world clean and i have too many people to let down . Ive dusted off my knees , im standing tall for now and i wont let meth beat me down again . It got me for the last time back when he last was here with me. That wont get me down again either . Everytime ive fallen ive dusted off the knees and kept on getting up again. Life sometimes hits like a bitch but not hard enough to put me on my ass for good. Whats else you got to throw at me life??

Someone call a plumber i have a leak!!!

 Maybe a plumber isnt needed for the type of leak i have you see its one that has been bothering me all day, no thats a lie as its been going on for months now but especially today  . Its my eyes . they are leaking tears like i have an endless supply. Its a wonder i have not curled up and died from dehydration . It is now getting to a point this evening where i am too deep in the middle of my own little PITY Party that i am scared i will never come out . 

Sir always told me it was going to be hard and tough work but if i followed the rules i would win, although i never imagined i would be facing this alone.  I am up and down on a daily basis more so than a pair of hookers underwear and the slightest thing sets me off in a new flood of tears . Im scared that my connection to him is slowly disappearing and i am so lonely even though i am surrounded by so many people who love me i feel so alone. I need him and i need him to know i need him. its been almost three months . what do i do if Im  alone when that 3 month anniversary hits . We had a goal , a deal ? Im scared Sir 

Coming down again

Oh but not in the way you might all be assuming ……I’ve had a busy weekend and surprising to say the very least. I’ve been busy staying out of trouble and keeping myself occupied whilst I try to ween myself off the meds they were trialling me on to help with the withdrawals and boosting my motivation levels after saying goodbye to crystal meth more than 2 and a half months ago. I thought it best not to become addicted and dependant on another drug after working so hard to fight against meth. Trading one drug for another even though prescribed just wasn’t winning anymore. I’d used it to get up and moving each day, now I had joined a gym and was using that and the support of the gym owner who messaged me to give words of encouragement or tell me to get my ass out of bed.
By day two without the modafinil I was not wanting to get out of bed and realised it was withdrawal city all over again. But like the meth I managed to get through . Today I’ve been clean completely and back to reality for 5 days and am feeling amazing . Collar bone is healing nicely and I’m feeling the healthiest I have in a long time .
Today I finally started university which I am really proud of and I think Sir would have been too if only he knew. Still following all those rules one day at a time ..

I DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE

Lets get one thing straight….I DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE

It doesn’t mean i don’t want you because believe me I crave for you every second of my day that you are not with me consuming my mind and devouring my body.

I DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE it doesn’t mean I never loved you and didn’t want to stay with you for eternity wrapped warmly in your embrace.

I DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE it doesn’t mean I can not visualize how my life would have been had i not turned my back on you and walked away

I DON”T NEED YOU ANYMORE it doesn’t mean that you are forgotten and the memory of how you changed my life won’t stay with me forever because i can never forget what you did.

I DON”T NEED YOU ANYMORE it doesn’t mean you wont move on to another but i can assure i wont because…….

and I DON’T NEED YOU ANYMORE