My memory isn’t the best after being a user and addict and so some parts of myself that the people around me who knew me before my addiction and stood steadfast in their support for me through recovery knew and loved just hadn’t even occurred to me.
I had forgotten and lost so much of who I was as a woman and a mother that getting clean and rediscovering things about myself that I am proud of instead of feeling only shame has helped me get through it.
1. I’m a really good cook. I can bake anyone to within an inch and I enjoy making cakes and cooking yummy things for my children. It was only after making my children birthday cakes these last few weeks that I rediscovered this love I had. I don’t think I really cooked a meal the last two years as I just didn’t eat very often whilst on drugs. Sad but true.
2. I am a talented jewellery and accessories designer and creator and I love to do it . Is like yoga for me. It calms my soul . I have recently spent hours sorting my beads into containers and just started to create a whole new range and a new website is in the works. I’ve taken a liking to creating collars and cuffs especially … I wonder why that is all of a sudden lol.
3. I’m a good mummy and my children are by far my greatest achievement and nothing or no one will ever again get in the way of me being the all talented taxi driving, Betty Crocker cooking,first aid administering , negotiator and life coach who is a magical automatic cash dispensing machine and a complete embarrassment to them more than likely again. Ive found that protective mother lion within myself that I lost along the way and throughout my life if I regret one thing it is that I let my beautiful angels down and the fact they love me still I will be forever grateful for .
4. I’m a great friend, sister and daughter and I love those around me with kindness and giving as they have given so much to me just by standing strong and not running away when I became a handful . I now remember birthdays and special occasions and take the time to make them feel appreciated.
5. I am a gym junkie …. Who needs meth when I got hot sweaty bodies around me and I’m keeping mine in check too …although lately it’s by means of which is end up in a jail cell with SS by my side of i did it anywhere but in private lol
6. I actually like the person I am . I think I am beautiful on the inside more than the outside and it really is a shame that Sir never got the chance to see the real girl within as I think he would have loved her so much more and have been proud of me . I’m proud of me , I truthfully am .i no longer seek the attention or affection of men to make me feel that way like I used to as I know my own value and worth now and am aware that unless I love myself, respect myself and treat myself like a prized possession , no one will ever see that value or worth in me .
7. It’s ok to still care for the parts of your story who make up the YOU .
No matter how hard I try and believe me I have tried ,there is one piece of me that will always remain in the past and that is a little piece of my heart as it will always be Sirs and that will never be something that will change . I’m strong but no matter how many times I go up and down on this ride of depression I can not let go of the love I had for him for saving me from myself. I carry the thought of him in my mind and hope that wherever he is, whatever he is doing and whoever he is with that he feels loved, needed and wanted as I could never give those things to him . But he should know I will forever love him and am so grateful I had him in my life when he was most needed by me and that I too am in the better place with SS and truly a better person because of some of the lessons he taught me both good and bad. His rules saved me when I struggle with addiction and I am in debted to him for sharing them with me .
8. Forgiveness sets you free – Hubby to be- thank you for patience and understanding as I first battled my auto immune disease . I don’t think anyone could have handled those ups and downs of my moods etc the way you did. Although we did not end the way in which we intended to from the start I do not blame you alone for the end of us as I am by far the angel and can test anyone’s patience. I hope you find the happiness you seek and I thank you for your part of my story called life.
9. There is a god .
. And finally the gorgeous SS. You bounded into my life just as it had fallen apart again with the split from hubby to be. When I was neither looking or wanting anything from a man let alone love. But the big man upstairs and the Angels had other plans all along as I truly believe that things happen for a reason and you and I were always meant to find each other when we had learnt the lessons we needed to learn. When we had become the people we needed to be for each other . Now not a day goes by that I don’t think of the beautiful presence of having you in my world and count the blessings each day . You are beyond words amazing and loving you was what i was always meant to do but was never ready for until now. Thank you for loving me like no one ever has . You inspire me to aim high, go after my goals and stay as beautiful inside as you make me feel. I can honestly say that there is no one I would rather spend my days ageing gracefully with and I look forward to our many adventures and experiences together . I look forward to a time where I can fall asleep in your arms each and every night and wake up to see your smiling face each day.
10. Don’t let them change you
I will never again lose the person I was by allowing my love for another person change who I am. I am perfect just the way I am and the only thing that will change about me at all for a man is my marital status or my surname ……. Xx
1. My life and the opportunity I’ve been given to be loved back to life by my kids
2. Smiling and laughter
4.family and knowing they have my back no matter what
5. Friendship that stands the toughest of tests
6. Being a mummy who has taught her children some valuable life lessons
7.SS- yep I said it
8. Ocean breezes and the sand any place but in my bikini bottoms
9 sunshine & rainbows
10. Thunder storms and rain on the roof top
11 birds singing in the garden
12 the smell of freshly cut grass
14. Knowledge and learning
15. Singing like no one can hear me
16. Dancing like I’m a rock star on the coffee table singing into my hairbrush STILL
17. That first text message in the morning from SS that reads ” good morning beautiful “.
18. Australia and exploring new parts of it and making new memories
19. My job and my bosses who believed in me
20. Mums home cooked meals
21. Knowing that anything is possible if you work hard for it
22. Knowing that I am courageous enough to ask for help
23. Knowing that I am strong enough to fight for my life and win
24. Love can be unconditional as proven by my mother and sister.
25. Gazing at the stars and wondering if my story has made a difference to one person .
26. Knowing that I am braver than I ever thought possible
27. Expressing my emotions thoughts and feelings freely via my blog- it is genuinely one of the things that got me through
28. Being me and finally being ok with who I am, who I was , where I’ve been , who I’ve met, what I’ve seen and allowing all those things to change the person I now am.
29. High heels – what did you honestly think that addiction would be gone
30 lingerie and corsets and the way in which they allow me to feel sexy , desirable and feminine without anyone even knowing I have them on under my clothes.
31. Photographs as these are the reminders of my life when my memory eventually fades and are the one thing I can leave behind
32. Slow dancing to Sinatra
35. Trust and keeping the promises I made .
36. Following the rules so I never forget
37. New beginnings
38. The fact that for the most part I am healthy
39. Exercising on the beach
40. Kissing and hugs
41. Appreciation and being thankful
42. Having 5 senses that still work perfectly
43. Fresh hot coffee
44. Kindness in any form
45. Reading the words others write from the heart
46. Freshly shaven skin
47. The smell of SS aftershave
48. Giving gifts that make someone else happy
49. giving genuine compliments that makes someone feel good
50. my children’s arms around my neck