in case anyone is curious as to what I’m currently up to and how wonderful life is travelling along for me at the moment come on over and see my new blog Sirs gone girl ……. Which I started a few months ago and kept hidden . But he found it anyway . They all ( daughter too) found it but for those who haven’t and would like to catch up on all my big girl adventures since moving home to Sydney again ending my engagement I’d love to see some friendly faces
And started a new one this week called The ICEcapades for those suffering with addiction problems to the drug that I was addicted to Meth / ice and there families to get information and share stories about their battles with addiction.
And for those that did find me “annabanana and cinn” they followed the trail …… Like sniffer dogs ….. Lol
Anyway if you are curious I’ll see you there if not this is adios as I am closing this shortly as it is going to be published via Amazon .
Oh one last thing before I go ….. For those wondering –
Congrats Sir on the birth of his first baby . Xx
Adios , farewell, goodbye
Rather big day after being woken so early by hubby to be and his gymnastic routine with the bed sheets but we are finally in Sydney after checking into our apartment in the city for the week.
the minute we got here I was on a shopping mission as the only thing even close to a shopping complex where I live is 40 minutes one way or 25 mins in the other direction to Coffs harbour and its what you would refer to as a corner store in comparison to the shopping variety and various stores right in the heart of the city of Sydney.
I basically dropped my bags,changed out of my heels for boots ,grabbed hubby to be by the hand and out the door we headed for china town,the markets nearby and yummy Asian food.
we only had a few hours tonight so when hubby to be heads off to work tomorrow,its me and a full day back at the markets and shopping in darling harbour.
after shopping and dinner we went to this crazy cool ice cream parlour called N2 where they make it like a laboratory with dry ice in a mixer .it was Oreo cheese cake and had a plastic syringe sticking in it full of hot chocolate sauce that you plunge through the middle. Talk about a walking calorie coma.
so we are now back at the hotel which happens to look directly across at one I used to go stay at often called the Cambridge…….if the walls there could talk!!! The things they could say about me.
anyway time to get some beauty sleep and fortunately the apartment has a king size bed but no doubt that just means hubby to be has more blanket to roll himself up in and maybe cross fingers I don’t get flung with them.
I swear I need an eject button some nights for my own safety
You were my KING
I was your QUEEN
But I threw you an ACE
And you got JACK
Now it’s 1,2 ,3 you can’t love me
4,5,6 my life is a mix
7,8,9 and my HEART is not fine
My DECK has been shuffled
No DIAMONDS for me
The pack has been SPLIT
No PAIR left to see
So I’m laying my CARDS down
My HAND is laid bare
You were my JOKER
The GAME was never fair.
Written September 2014
Once in a lifetime
You’ll be given the chance
To find love unconditional, intense,chaotic, manic
Wrong yet so right
That fills that void, that want , life’s need
Consumes, devours , penetrates you
Ignites you from within
That lays you bare, vulnerable, open
A love so totally blinding that you never stop to question it’s end
Once in a lifetime is all that you get
To find the one who is your mirror
leaves you feeling whole
That stops you in your tracks
Runs wild with you ……
And brings you to your knees.
Written April 2014
I had it for one moment,
Held tight in my embrace
Wrapped my arms around it
My heart began to race
For I had waited patiently
Although it hurt my heart
To finally have my turn
To play the leading part
But fate stepped in
And took it
It wasn’t meant to be
I’d blown my chance to have it
Love turned it’s back on me
I begged , I raged , I pleaded
Oh please just let me show
That I can be the one
That deserves this love to grow
Loved turned and left me broken
A shadow of who I’d be
For chances only come but once
Like the love that was shown to me
Written June 2014
Don’t look for the girl with the glazed over eyes.
Don’t look for the girl with the painted on smile
Don’t look for her in the midnight hour
For she’s gone girl gone
Don’t seek out the girl with the pale white skin
Don’t seek out the girl who will dare you to sin
Don’t seek out the girl dancing till dawn
For she’s gone girl gone
Don’t call for the girl who will lie to your face
Don’t call for the girl who can make your mind race
Don’t call for her when you need a good time
For she’s gone girl gone
Don’t look for the girl who is puffing a pipe
Don’t look for the girl who will ruin your life
Don’t look for the girl who’s addicted to meth
For she’s gone girl gone
I’ve been feeling lately like the worst is far behind me.. I very rarely think about meth unless I’m talking about it with someone or writing about my addiction here and I don’t get the pangs of need like I did in the beginning but then emotionally it was a hard time to deal with regardless of my withdrawals and cravings . Mix that with a completely shattered thought process , other health issues and a devastatingly painful break up and I had the perfect mix for utter breakdown material . My thoughts , feelings and my body took an emotionally draining roller coaster ride that I thought would never reach the station , for a long time I thought the brakes on my pity party locomotion were worn bare. It took a lot of lonely nights alone thinking and trying to find myself under the genuine rot I had allowed my life to become before I finally felt like I was breathing unassisted again and able to really look at myself from the outside in but then my body gave me a nice big cup of fuck you in the form of an auto immune disease to teach me again about the little things I gave up appreciating and taught me a valuable lesson learning to rebuild myself from a broken down mess once more.
I used to liken the way meth made me feel towards the end of my addiction like being in a glass box watching the world around me and banging on that glass wanting someone , anyone to stop and take notice that you are flailing and need there help. Just one person to come rescue you and save you from yourself as once your addiction takes hold you don’t know how to save yourself and just stop.
I had that person who noticed , who even though fighting his own battle could see I was loosing mine and he did something that I will always love him for. He didn’t pick me up like a knight in shining armour and rush me away from it all and make it easy . He simply opened the lid of my glass box and walked away to fight his own demons.
He taught me in that simple gesture how to fight hard, how to be brave, how to use my inner strength to climb out of that box myself and stand on my own two feet, face my fears, shame and let go of my pride, to always remember how id gotten to that disgusting point and never allow it to happen again. I remember it all . In all the time we spent together , he as my Master and I his submissive, he taught me more after that very last day and he continues to even though I’ve not seen him in almost a year.
He showed me that I was worth saving even if I had to do the hard work all by myself. He had provided me with the first shreds of the strength and self belief I needed from within by simply showing me that although I had let my addiction take hold and hurt him beyond anything you can imagine he cared enough to give me the reality I needed because no one else was and I hope underneath the addiction he could see that just maybe the person I had professed to be before was able to claw her way back and keep her word just once .
It feels like it has taken forever to finally get to this point but I’m happy with the way things are progressing and I’ll continue to build my self worth and self love with every little step or change I make and I will be the first one to admit it’s going to be a life long story but at least now meth is not writing it for me and had it not been for my guardian Angel it may have ended long ago and I’d never have had this second chance to finally love myself and my life and just be happy .
I’ve been thinking a lot today about my journey and how far I’ve come since February. For those reading that don’t already know I’m a recovering Meth addict and I lost everything in my life because of my addiction and it has taken 9 very long and hard months of working my way back to reality and normal everyday life , to start to repair the damage I did to my relationships with family , friends and my three beautiful children and to learn to not only let go of the man I thought I would spend my life loving and needing but also accept he is now happy and moving forward in his life and although it hurt at first I’m so happy now for him knowing he too is ok and free from this terrible drug.
It was he that gave me the push I needed to start this journey when he had finally had enough of the person I had become due to my addiction and he left me and for that I will forever love him and be grateful
I know it was my own want and strength and having the courage to admit I was struggling with my addiction to those closest to me that got me to where I am today though. I did it and I think it’s about time I can finally say that I am fucking proud of myself and I hope wherever he is that he is proud of me too.
I know that the new love in my life is proud of me and he reminds me daily how special I am to him and I can not be thankful enough that I was able to find the courage to love myself, know myself , value myself and change what I needed to change in my life to become the person he loves and pushes forward on this journey. He is one of a kind and I am so lucky to love him .
Chat soon xx