In case you want to know 

in case anyone is curious as to what I’m currently up to and how wonderful life is travelling along for me at the moment come on over and see my new blog Sirs gone girl ……. Which I started a few months ago and kept hidden . But he found it anyway . They all ( daughter too) found it but for those who haven’t and would like to catch up on all my big girl adventures since moving home to Sydney again ending my engagement I’d love to see some friendly faces 

https://sirsgonegirl.wordpress.com
And started a new one this week called The ICEcapades for those suffering with addiction problems to the drug that I was addicted to Meth / ice and there families to get information and share stories about their battles with addiction. 

https://theIcecapades.wordpress.com

And for those that did find me “annabanana and cinn” they followed the trail …… Like sniffer dogs ….. Lol

Anyway if you are curious I’ll see you there if not this is adios as I am closing this shortly as it is going to be published  via Amazon . 

Oh one last thing before I go ….. For those wondering –

Congrats Sir on the birth of his first baby . Xx  

Adios , farewell, goodbye 

Life or something like it

feel like myself and back to 99% normal. I won my dream job as an executive assistant to the CEO of an IT recruitment agency in Sydney . And started there last week and am finally using my brain again which has been bloody exhausting…you really don’t know until you’ve not used it for a while.

My skin is almost 100% clear due to lack of stress although catching the bus and train for two hours each way to get to my job is killer and unless I get a car soon I may lose my cool with the next fat ,bald sweaty man that lifts his armpit to hold the railing above me on the train if I have to keep doing the trains….nobody likes armpit with their morning coffee and commute do they?

living back at my parents place in Sydney currently which is as usual perfectly safe for me to stay on track

I’m fit healthy and finally out of thongs,bikinis and beaches and back into my city girl dresses,high heels,makeup and living……oh its good to be home….next on the agenda is my own place so I can get my babies all back with me under the one roof.

but for now its paying back debt,working hard to reach that end goal ,concentrating on myself ,my job and continuing to make good and right decisions for myself and that has meant no relationships but one very special friendship with someone who knows me and all my broken pieces ,makes me laugh every day and is my go to person on sad days and such an important friend and confidant for me. He was unexpected yet much needed.

 Its funny how people get put into your life as you need them to be there. I luckily have two new strong males in my life now to give me advice as my friends and boss. Right now that’s perfect while I get the rest of me on track.

oh and a change is as good as a holiday so a new hair colour was appropriate this week…thought id update anyone who was wondering…

chat soon xx

http://goo.gl/j6Fzhf





Boo

   
  

 Thought id pop in and say hi, I’m great, settled in Sydney, have a great new job and am healthy and looking forward to the future. Have made some great new friends and caught up with all the old ones,celebrated my baby girls sweet 16th and my,sons 15th yesterday and am looking forward to mothers day this weekend and my planned trip to see Anna banana at end of August/ September for my 40th birthday in USA. I am still writing ,not daily as I just don’t have the time and if you want to know how to find me please feel free to email me for details.Im right under your noses if you search , but incase you can’t find me email for details. I miss you all 

thepastcanbiteme@gmail.com

  
take care and happy mothers day to all my yummy mummy friends for sunday xx

via WordPress for Phone http://goo.gl/j6Fzhf

Closing my blog.

goodbye to those who really did support my recovery. I’m shutting down now and going to live the rest of my life making myself happy. Away from the eyes of my world to get my head together and heal.

I’m done . You win

Our Days Fly By . . .

Loved this when I read it the first time but reading it the second time I noticed the title and that is so me at the moment wanting to fly and yet stuck cemented to the past and feeling caged. Thank you Annie B

Debbie Downer is no trophy wife


Debbie Downer was officially in town last night. A fictional character that in my meth days with my Sir was the stage in the getting high process we referred to as coming down ,because I knew that when he started to come down my few days with him was coming to an end very quickly and it would then make me upset and sooky.

Last night was me Playing Debbie Downer without the meth due to my own private pity party.

Having a bit of a hard time at the moment but am well aware that meth wont change anything. In fact it would just make my situation and disappointment I’m feeling far worse,but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t the first thing that came to my head to ease my hurt and numb myself.

and the one person I wanted to talk me through it was why I was feeling sad.

Anyway I finally got up around 10 this morning after spending a long time being talked through how I was feeling and crying hysterically with someone who understands the loss and disappointment more than anyone as they have been exactly where I am right now.

Thank you my beautiful friend Annab for getting me through last night without throwing everything I’ve worked so hard to get through away,even though you are dealing with your own loss you showed me that my friendship during your grieving was worth every second and that there are people out there in the world who care about being there for me in return . And to those that reached out through my blog thank you also.

I know that support cant change my want, only I can actually choose not to use but talking me through the reasons for my sadness and just listening to me helped more than you know. So thank you .

I can’t change my disappointment on they way things are currently but I can continue to keep promises I’ve made to those important to me ( they know who they are) and to myself ,knowing that I can still make it if I just stay strong and trust that life will eventually get sick of making me the bridesmaid .

 

Tonight

Tonight was hard

tonight hurts

tonight will never happen again

tonight I want it more than I’ve ever

tonight it cut deeper

tonight hope faded

tonight I want numbness once more

tonight I’m giving up because who will even notice

tonight is ending like so many before …alone and clean

Choices and chances

Life really never is that easy is it?

I have been one to self sabotage,the fuck up,the mistake maker,chooser of poor decisions.

I have finally grown up a little and although I’m no angel nor anything close to being ,I am now after many months of self truth and getting to know myself again honestly able to make decisions that show a depth of strength and maturity.. That will help me to become what I need to feel more complete in myself.

I’ve made the brave decision to go home to Sydney to work and go back to my career in banking which before I started my love affair with meth ,I was very good at. I’ve made this decision based on what I need to feel stimulated and challenged. Truthfully I was going bat shit crazy in the boutique and working from home doing my jewellery. I will not stop my business as I can always do that at my own pace but I need to use my brain more than i have been as I get bored very easily if I am not growing and learning. I need more challenges and to get back into the swing as a contributing member of society which I checked out of a few years back.

The opportunity back into the banking sector has arisen and I feel like I am now better placed to cope with that both mentally and emotionally.

As far as anything else in my life is going ,I am healthy,fit and ready to take on lifes challenges and hard work head on again which i was not at all ready for before. I will be close to my children who need their mum more so than ever at the moment and that is as far as the discussion needs to go at this stage.

I’m doing what I need to for myself right now and hopefully this decision will be the right one to bring further positive changes for those around me in the future as I was able to finally recognize for myself that I was quickly becoming isolated,lonely and bored which usually ends up with me back in the former cycle of destroying all things good in my life. Something had to give to bring about a change.

you may have noticed I’ve been a little quieter than usual but i felt these were choices I needed to make alone.

although I dont need to explain these choices to anyone but the people it concerned I want you to know I am not giving up on recovery or happiness, just taking the next step on this journey in my life and it was a very tough choice to make but one that has so far been supported by those around me.

chat soon xxx

I now know why

I now know exactly why
I was a drug addict and not an alcoholic. could someone please explain to me at what point of the night I was eating ass because that is what my mouth tastes like this morning,to compliment last nights Smokey eye makeup which now is looking like I was the victim of an assault.

all i know right now is that someone needs to get me greasy bacon,with a beer chaser or an intravenous caffeine,morphine drip to shut this banging shit that is happening in my head up before i rip someone a new asshole.

so I’m in Sydney and as you can see have woken up a little ray of sweet fucking sunshine after a night out drinking with my sister and friends.

The night went from afternoon sangria at home to us trying to creep in the door quietly at 3am only to set off my sisters car alarm and wake the neighborhood. Yep we escalate quickly.

drunken texting (apologies to those who got them) cocktails,shots,dancing with 20 year old football players like we were not a group of over 35 year old woman with kids who only get leave passes once a year.

i remember it like this


but it was probably more like this

 

I know I laughed more than I have in a long time. I danced in heels all night and after wearing flat shoes,a bikini and no makeup for almost a year I now have a pulled hamstring and bruises up my leg from what I’m told was me attempting to mount my 6 year old nephews Spiderman bunk bed like I was an olympic gymnast unsuccessfully in the dark. I remember having the choice of either sleeping with the lights on and making it up there safely or just throwing caution to the wind and just climbing up in the dark. My legs now bear the bruises of my choice.

I can hear my sister at the fridge giving herself a pep talk and hoping that bacon will just appear. But one of us needs to make tracks to the shop to get it unless we can con my daughter into it which I highly doubt after our vegemite bread episode outside her bedroom at 3am and my sister insisting on unpacking the dishwasher…..

need the grease to absorb enough of the alcohol so we are under the limit to drive home… But first I need to get my body which currently feels like it went 10 rounds in the boxing ring off this bunk bed …. Wish me luck.