in case anyone is curious as to what I’m currently up to and how wonderful life is travelling along for me at the moment come on over and see my new blog Sirs gone girl ……. Which I started a few months ago and kept hidden . But he found it anyway . They all ( daughter too) found it but for those who haven’t and would like to catch up on all my big girl adventures since moving home to Sydney again ending my engagement I’d love to see some friendly faces
And started a new one this week called The ICEcapades for those suffering with addiction problems to the drug that I was addicted to Meth / ice and there families to get information and share stories about their battles with addiction.
And for those that did find me “annabanana and cinn” they followed the trail …… Like sniffer dogs ….. Lol
Anyway if you are curious I’ll see you there if not this is adios as I am closing this shortly as it is going to be published via Amazon .
Oh one last thing before I go ….. For those wondering –
Congrats Sir on the birth of his first baby . Xx
Adios , farewell, goodbye
You live in me, each step I take
I think of each decision you’d make
You live in me, though you’re not here
I feel as though you are always near
You live in me, with every choice
I sometimes think I hear your voice
You live in me, though I can’t see
Why it ever was that you loved me
You live in me, though you’re not mine
In my thoughts you’ll be till the end of time…….
This was written mid 2014
Once in a lifetime
You’ll be given the chance
To find love unconditional, intense,chaotic, manic
Wrong yet so right
That fills that void, that want , life’s need
Consumes, devours , penetrates you
Ignites you from within
That lays you bare, vulnerable, open
A love so totally blinding that you never stop to question it’s end
Once in a lifetime is all that you get
To find the one who is your mirror
leaves you feeling whole
That stops you in your tracks
Runs wild with you ……
And brings you to your knees.
Written April 2014
I had it for one moment,
Held tight in my embrace
Wrapped my arms around it
My heart began to race
For I had waited patiently
Although it hurt my heart
To finally have my turn
To play the leading part
But fate stepped in
And took it
It wasn’t meant to be
I’d blown my chance to have it
Love turned it’s back on me
I begged , I raged , I pleaded
Oh please just let me show
That I can be the one
That deserves this love to grow
Loved turned and left me broken
A shadow of who I’d be
For chances only come but once
Like the love that was shown to me
Written June 2014
Piece me back together
Help me shed that skin
Stitch each broken piece
Of the hurt that lays within
Mend my bleeding heart
Glue together all thats left behind
Find the girl thats hidden underneath
All thats good loving and kind
Just spend a little time with me
Show me that youll never part
Get to know every piece within
Ill be yours forever, cross my heart
Im not what others think of me
Theres more depth than they can see
But if you lead then i will follow you
Ill surrender , and be free
I dont need a saviour
Just someone to hold my hand
If you let me love the way i know
Then by you I’ll always stand .
This time last year I was high as a kite on meth and out on the town with so called “friends”on New Year’s Eve, dressed up in a tiny little navy and cream dress and navy stillettos , long dark hair pulled up in a pony tail for when the sweats started on the dance floor of the club and pretty much looking like the good time party girl I was known for being. I was surrounded by people who are your very best friend on the night ….until of course the drugs run out and yet I was the loneliest I had ever been.
I danced till the early hours of the morning then headed to a friends for a quick shower before boarding a recovery dance party boat on New Year’s Day on Sydney harbour. Downing ecstasy pills and sinking alcohol like it was water , I was roughly 10 weeks pregnant at the time and trying desperately to numb myself as I knew that very soon that would have to change as I had put off dealing with my hurt for far too long over it and I was quickly running out of time to make the right choice .
Needless to say by the end of New Years Day and for 72 hours after the drugs had worn off I lay face down in bed still fully dressed after getting violently sea sick and couldn’t lift my head off the pillow for days without throwing up…… Alone…….Karma really !!
This year things will be very very different. Sir and I have just returned from 4 days in Sydney surprising family as they ate breakfast on Christmas morning at our holiday place by the river. We have rounded up my youngest two and bought them home for two weeks and my oldest and his girlfriend fly in on the 2nd. It is the first time in almost two years that I will have all of my babies under the one roof with me for any length of time and I am so excited . I could care less about the fakers whom in my drug fuelled haze I thought of as friends. They can drink till they throw up, pop pills till they can’t take anymore and hopefully have the sense to ask , beg or plead for help. As the only thing that matters to me is that I spent the last 10 months of my life fighting to be doing exactly what I will be doing on New Year’s Eve tonight and that is taking my babies to the carnival on Coffs Harbour jetty to see the fireworks and ride the dodgems. I don’t need drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, dance parties, fake friends(addicts) , ex lovers nor material possessions . I don’t need to live the high life, drive fast cars, buy the biggest house in the street or travel to Paris……. I have all I’ve ever needed right here in my home and I am blissfully happy ……. can you say the same about the year you’ve had ?
My life will never derail the way it did during my two years addicted to Meth, and I think that comes from knowing finally that I am far smarter and braver than I was given credit for, I have proven to myself and those closest to me that I am not just another statistic willing to give the last part of myself over to my addiction, that I’m a fighter and far too proud and stubborn to give anyone the satisfaction of saying ” I told you so , just a pathetic dumb junkie”. Once I started and took that first step I definately had people to prove wrong including myself. But it is no longer about anyone else or proving I could find myself again, as if I’m honest the person I was before meth would never have touched it in the first place if she was half the person I am today. And that’s a really good place to be heading into the New Year.
New home, New business, New job, New healthy lifestyle and an amazing New love and sense of contentment with Sir…… But most importantly a New stronger, healthier and worthy of loving and being loved in return me…..
Happy New Year everyone xxx
I’ve been checking my blog stats recently and have realised that the healthier I have become , the less miserable and heartbroken I’ve been , and the happier and more shall we say stable mentally I’ve become the less readers and followers I’ve had on a daily basis. So that begs the question? Do others prefer reading about my mental anguish and inner struggles than they do seeing me fighting fit and in love. Did they all enjoy reading about my first few months as I struggled to come to grips with my addiction and the ups and downs of my shattering heart as I learnt to let go of the first person to show me unconditional love and fell apart when he moved on , got engaged and told me he was going to be a father…… Or is it coincidence that the numbers have dropped as I fell in love with myself again , learnt how to beat my addiction , stood on my own two feet , found my worth and finally started a new life with my new love Sir. Seems I was a tad more popular in the blogging world when I was a shell of a person , withdrawing from drugs and in the midst of a complete mental breakdown and that makes me feel like maybe we don’t do enough in life to cheer on each other’s good moments and instead are only there to console in times of pain. I’m more than likely guilty of it myself . Life’s achievements and triumphs shouldn’t just be skimmed over so let me know what your happiness was this week . Mine was the realisation that it doesn’t matter if anyone reads my words , what matters is I wrote them for you all anyway . And that makes me happy.
He is the sunrise that starts my day
With his gentle kisses and his loving way
He is my sunshine worth waking for
He leads ,I follow , no doubt , I’m sure
He’s my horizon , my endless sea
He guides, he nurtures , let’s me be me
He’s my safe harbour , I’m anchored steep
He keeps me floating in waters deep
He’ll be my sunset till time stands still
He’s the one I give to my own free will
I’m angry that after 17 hours the seige in Sydney has ended with tragedy and the loss of two innocent human beings. A 38yr old woman and 34 yr old man who were just going about their everyday business buying a morning coffee and managing the store. A mother of two babies just going to work, died protecting two other pregnant woman who were hostages in the cafe. A young man trying to protect his staff and customers as the manager of the store. 17 hostages in total who will never be the same . A city that may never be the same .
This piece of shit human being just wanting to insite fear and hate who was welcomed into our country as a refugee and betrayed all of our trust. At 2am hostages escaped and a few minutes later the gunman opened fire on a hostage and police had no choice to storm the cafe. This human being was on the radar of police and federal police. He sent disgusting letters to the families of fallen Australian soldiers from the war in Afghanistan and was currently on charges of 40 sexual assaults and got away with the murder of his wife. And slipped under the radar ??? How ???? I’m angry that this piece of shit has been allowed to walk freely and this was able to happen. It could have been me , it could have been a family member or anyone’s friend. For two families it tragically was and it’s heartbreaking that it could have been prevented had he been locked up where he belonged . Sydney is in mourning today but unlike the fear and hate he tried to evoke , he unknowingly has bought Australians together and i hope that if it’s the only thing that comes from this tragedy that the rift between races and religion continues to mend and Sydney can heal .