The case of the sheet assassin

Yes,I know I know its currently stupid o’clock on the playschool clock. 4.30 am to be precise and I’m lucky enough to be wide awake in time to watch the sun come up again if I wanted to,but the fact of the matter is I don’t!! Plain and simple , I don’t want to be awake. I want to be firmly tucked up tight in bed in the comfort and warmth of my bed linen.

Cocooned in a layer of our bed sheets , quilt with pretty new cover and matching pillows but I sleep with the latest legendary villain, The sheet assassin.

That’s right people ,hubby to be assassinates our bed like he is fighting off Rambo each and every night.Some mornings ( and that’s if I make it through till sunlight mind you) I end up with so much of the blankets and sheets piled on top of me as he has gotten hot during the night and kicked them off himself onto my side of the bed that I wake in a puddle of sweat unable to breathe,and then other days he has played rock and roll wrestling in his sleep and gotten himself and me along with it tangled so tightly in the sheets that when he yanks on them during the night I get flung out of bed like a ninja doing a mid air jujitsu move landing firmly on the floor or then we have option three which consists of me being left huddled up against him because he has wrapped himself so tightly in the sheets that I’ve been left with nothing but air and a deep seeded need to never want to make the bed again.

each night when I lay down to go to sleep I wonder at what time of the night will I be woken,will I get a good night sleep and how he will cope the next morning with one grumpy me if woken. I don’t “do” mornings without coffee as it is ,so you can begin to imagine what a delight my fine self is at this ridiculous hour of the morning,yep you guessed it .one little fucking ray of sunshine. And him oh ,he’s fast asleep again next to me. I’ve gotten up ,made coffee and come back to bed to try and reassemble the remnants of the what I can only assume was a man versus wild bear grills type scenario playing in his dreams,as the bed now looks like a half chewed deer carcass and he is snoring like a grisly bear oblivious to the shit storm cranky bitch he is going to wake up next to yet again,as I’m the one that will have to try to make the bed with what’s left of the assassinated sheets when he gets up and heads off to work for a few hours before we fly to Sydney this afternoon……and he wonders why I’m asleep at 8pm most nights….. News flash !!

chat soon…….well as soon as I’m not so grumpy and a little more on the awake side of life. Wish him luck……..he’s gonna need it as he’s about to get a lesson on how to make a bed each morning. I just quit that job lol!!!!



One thought on “The case of the sheet assassin

  1. After years of coping with this, which ails my husband as well (not to mention sleep masterbation so furious i thought He may be trying to rip His penis off), I will tell you it doesn’t change! Not with any form of sleeping pills or any therapy. i’ve found that all I can do is be prepared. i bring a second blanket with me to bed to grab when He completely steals the covers. i actually developed a sleep habit of untangling myself from His double mummification mid sleep and grabbing my blanket. (If you haven’t seen the trend yet, i generally end up using the other blanket). And when He throws the blankets on me, i grab the sheet only and cover us both up (otherwise, later in the night I will wake up to a groggy whiney cold husband)

    That’s my best advice! Hope it helps

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s