50 shades of I can’t

So like most I was madly anticipating the 50 shades of grey movie for the last 12 months. I read the books back in 2012 and it was what first sparked an interest and questions in me.
Then along came Jesse with meth in hand , and so began my addiction and 50 shades of anything that had to do with getting high became priority and kink was placed firmly on the back burner until my world fell apart and an amazing breath of fresh air came into my life and answered all of my questions and then some if you know what I mean.
Falling into my first Sirs arms was one of the best things and one of the worst all at the same time. I was vulnerable to say the very least . He opened up my eyes to a whole new level of intimacy and connection . He drew out sides of myself that I didn’t know were there and some I didn’t find until he was long gone.
I gained a whole new world of knowledge, experience and appreciation for the art of making love , the extreme levels I could put my body through and the exquisite way just a look or a touch from another human being could control my mind. I had never felt so free or so at peace as I did in those moments. Sadly those moments looking back were just moments . Nothing more. I didn’t understand enough about myself, my mind or my strength to be the submissive or lover he required. I didn’t meet his expectations anywhere close due to my love of meth more than anything or anyone.
I didn’t actually have my lightbulb moments until it was far too late to save, he was gone and I was finally clean.
I now have the chance to be that submissive with my new Sir. The one that knows the rules with a clear mind, follows them , does not wish to displease him. Does not argue nor defend, wants to kneel , wants to serve . But cant . Watching 50 shades reminded me of the past . Reminded me what I had, what I lost. He was my own Christian grey right down to the polished shoes, suit and tie and high flying job. And I now think back at how miserable I was every waking moment he left me alone, and I don’t want to ever feel so alone again.

What I’ve gained from 50 shades of my old Sir was that I could always have been happy if I had loved myself more than I loved him. I could always be valued if I had just shown my true worth , boundaries and expectations should always be clear or they can never be met and that I don’t think I am strong enough during my recovery to even contemplate a D/s kind of relationship. D/s always brings me back to the thought of meth. They are intertwined for me. D/s always makes me sad these days , D/ s should never ruin an underlying love and I won’t let it ruin what I have now struggled so hard to find .
I love my new Sir but I will love him as a husband to be for now and that’s enough until I’m stronger. We will work on that together .

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