Looking up but feeling down

My babies and I travel back to Sydney tomorrow so I can take them home to their dad. 8 long hours in a car should be testing on all of us. It will give me lots of time to think and that’s what worries me. Too long to make decisions based on what my heart wants and not what my head tells me is right.
All of your advice was taken on board and thank you it helped a lot but I already knew the right answers really . I’ve always made the wrong decisions based on what my heart aches for and not what was always the right way. I’ve hurt myself and others along the way wanting what I knew I needed but wasn’t deserving of and maybe it’s the same now. Will that ever change or will I always want that which I don’t really deserve and continue hurting for it. I know my head is in turmoil and I’m again needing guidance. Can you ever change what your heart yearns for.will my heart ever be in unison with my head ? Why can’t I just be happy with everything I’ve accomplished and the wins I’ve had in my life in this last year. Most people would be excited to be where I am after all I’ve done yet there is a gap that I didn’t realise was there until this week. I don’t know that it will ever fill. Do I just pretend it has and move forward empty? Life really never is perfect is it ?