Second guessing myself

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the choices I’ve made recently. I guess you would say second guessing those choices or maybe a slight bit of self sabotage which I’m reknowned for .
When everything in my life is going just swimmingly I tend to find a reason to fuck it all up. Maybe it’s been having my kids here for the week and being blissfully happy ( yet exhausted)…. I’m human lol.
I just am in two minds as to whether I should be so far away from them as I know I will never get this time with them back once it’s gone.
I love Being where I am , I love the new lifestyle and I love the beautiful man in my life but my babies are my world and I don’t know if not being there will be my biggest regret later on.
They live with there dad and are well taken care of so that is never an issue or concern. Am I just being selfish wanting to be back under the one roof with them? Or is it that I’ve stopped being so selfish and am thinking again as a mother should, the way I should have been thinking when I first picked up the crack pipe almost three years ago. Being clean really does lift the fog you are in whilst high. You see everything and everyone for what and who they really are. Including yourself.
Advice is definately needed on this please…. I don’t want to fuck this up.



20 thoughts on “Second guessing myself

    • Thanks for reading and your advice. I respect him. More than anyone. As a mother i was torn. That in itself is a major step in my recovery as a year ago i didnt care enough to get my shit together for the sake of my children due to my addiction. So the fact that i was questioning what was best for them shows me that my priorities have definately restored to the me i used to be.


  1. I am a self sabatagoger also so I get that. As far as the choices you made, don’t regret them. You needed to make those chooses to get yourself clean and healthy. Personally, I would stay right where I am at. You moved to be with your Sir to help you stay clean, he helped get your psoriasis cleared up, and you have that beautiful new boutique that you don’t want to give up on. I know you love your children and I am sure they are proud of you, but do you want to risk relapsing if you go back to be with them? What about your Sir? You don’t want to just walk away from him and the relationship you have do you?

    Well I don’t know if I helped or left you more confused, but either way, keep writing, get the feelings out and you will figure it all out.


    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you my joyful friend. It definately helped. Im staying put as i love him and he loves me. I couldnt imagine spending the hardest journey of my life with anyone else. I need to work on keeping the strengthening relationship with my kids consistant and being present whether it be via phone, skype or the surprise visits im now known for. They are in safe hands and happy and so am i. Im more of a mummy now than ive been in 3 years and im loving it.
      Thanking you beautiful for taking the time to read my blogs and respond.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Take it slow. Your children know you love them. Don’t make impulsive, emotional decisions (what I always do!!) and then regret it. Just be proud of yourself for all that you’ve accomplished. You’ve come a long way. Reap the rewards of your efforts. Enjoy your love relationship and know that you’ll never lose your kids – where there is love, there is understanding. Stay well and happy darling.♥ Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you my sparkly friend for taking the time to reply.your words helped as im definately a do things and think later type and it tends to stuff me up in a major way. But i took the take it slow and really thought about it and i love him too much to leave. My children understand and our relationship after the weeks holiday together has never been stronger as they can see im happy and finally healthy. They love Sir too which is an absolute bonus. I can still be there for my children without being there physically . Im staying in my new home with Sir and moving forward still…… We all have hiccups …. Right?

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Some thoughts that I had about your situation:
    You can not get back the years you have lost.
    These years are precious too.
    Moving nearer to the kids will not change your past or erase your regrets.
    Being healthy and a good role model is of utmost importance for their well being.
    You are a part of a unit now, and the only opinon that really matters is the other half of your unit. Not any of us.
    If their dad is cooperative, perhaps sitting down with him and discussing how you can co-parent is maybe a first step in deciding their need for you on a more consistent daily basis. There are many ways technology can help you bridge this situation while maintaining your health.

    Sending many hugs your way. This is a tough situation, but it is not necessary that you solve it immediately. I’m sure your Sir will offer you support and insight as you ponder your heart’s desire.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your advice and taking the time to respond. Im making the right choice. I took my time and thought about both sides of the equation but i am definately in a better place than i was a year ago and my relationship with my children is repairing amazingly because they can see that im getting healthy and keeping my promise to them to get back to being the mummy they love and that is largely due to the support and love ive had from my beautiful Sir. Again thank you for caring enough to read and respond. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

    • My children need a functioning healthy mummy that they can respect and depend on and someone who can show them that you can make the changes you need to that will turn your life around. That not everyone in this world is perfect including their mum. My children know me warts and all and i would hope that i have made them proud for fighting my way back, for showing them that nothing is ever too great that it can not be overcome with determination and the love and support of those that matter and that they have someone in their life who will always be honest and open with them, will never judge them for their mistakes and will always support their choices both good and bad . My children will always be my children no matter where they are and know that Sir and my door is always open to them to live, visit or holiday. That is their choice to make . They are in the right place at the moment and they know i am too. If that changes then we work as the team we now are. I hope my children will always need me the way i need them. Thanks for your response.

      Liked by 1 person

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