Kissing the dirty 30s goodbye

,So In exactly four hours and 53 mins it is my birthday and I head into my last year of my dirty 30s and what a year my 38th has been. This time last year I was high sitting on my bed in the apartment I shared with a girlfriend who was a meth dealer. Yep it was like having my own private meth vending machine.
I was sitting in bed talking via text to the love of my life and as the clock struck midnight and started the beginning of my 38th year I was in his arms. Safe and feeling loved. Not this year . Everything has changed. I don’t expect a call or message and I will definately not be in his arms.
This year has seen many changes for me. I’ve since moved home to my parents house and the safety of being accountable to people who genuinely love and care about me. I’ve been clean for almost 7 months and I’ve found the beautiful inside of myself that I lost along the way during my years as an addict. But I think the greatest thing I lost this year was not cash, belongings or material possessions but the love of the only person who ever truly got inside my head and knew me better than I knew myself. It is a loss I will feel forever . This year will not be spent in his arms making love. This year will not be spent getting high . This year will be a continued journey of discovery for me but it won’t be with him at my side. Scared ? You bet! Looking forward to what the future holds? You bet!
And I’m going to make the most of the 39th year and the last of my dirty 30s before I hit the naughty 40s …. Watch this space as life for me will always be an up and down journey and even if I’m heading towards it kicking and screaming it’s going to happen regardless of whether I’m alone or not . Last years birthday was one I’ll always remember ……

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18 thoughts on “Kissing the dirty 30s goodbye

  1. Darling, my best wishes EVER go to you. The gift of life and chance of a future are a wonderful start, follow by the hope that more has to and will come. I wish also to tell you that for as much as you still think that he was the love of your life, your TRUE love is the one that will gift you with the life you deserve. A wonderful one! Those feelings for him will fade, painfully and slowly I know, but they will. One day you’ll look at another face and suddenly realise that there’s love again in your heart, only this time you’ll be safe and clean and able to see through the fog lifted on things by the highs of the past. All my love, I virtually take you in my embrace. Be proud, be safe, be happy.
    Jade
    xxxx

    Liked by 2 people

      • Of course you will, your heart is programmed to love more than one person, in different ways and measure sure, but LOVE. Besides, lemme give you a friendly advice, woman to woman: STOP saying you won’t, STOP convincing yourself that all life had to give you was that messed up relationship. It’s not. You deserve better AND you’ll have to fight to get it. Begin by banning the thought that you’ll never love again, that’ll be putting a foot forward. At the moment let’s say you just don’t want to love again, as you are still mourning the loss of your dream of him. But you will, I swear, when you are ready. Love ya xxxx

        Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you beautiful, I can always rely on you to tell it like it is. I know you are right as I have found a good guy who puts a massive smile on my face and treats me like I am his princess and although it is very new and a little scary I know in time I will learn to let down my guard again and give back all the love I receive. Baby steps one day at a time. I know I deserve this now as I am a much nicer person than I was during my addiction. A little sad that I didn’t hear from him at all on my birthday though. I guess that shows me that it really is time to let the past stay in the past and get on with loving my future now . Stay amazing miss jade xxx

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      • You too honey. And trust me on this one too please: it is SO much better it didn’t. Proves that he was not worthy of what you gave him. Plain and all there. Stick to the new, it’ll bring you for sure things worth living for xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

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