I’ve had lots of hours today laying in bed with my own thoughts and that’s not always a good thing as I tend to over think everything. Today I wanted to fly …… As high as meth could take me…… I’ve not stopped thinking about it. I wasn’t prepared or ready to say goodbye to Sir . It came out of the blue . I was again lulled into a false sense of security with him being nice to me again and BOOM …. Gone. I want meth today more than I’ve wanted it in the last 2 years .
The silence of my mind is what I miss about the relationship I had and being without him has just bought chaos and more confusion to an already fucked up placed to be ( my head).
Today one of the shit days in my life has been an off the charts kind of day as far as tears and sadness go as I’ve just had too much thinking time and it causes self doubt which on most to all occasions leads to my self sabotage and making poor decisions. It’s been 24hrs now since he again said he was disappearing from my life for good and already I’ve started to doubt myself . I’ve thought about his last words ” stay beautiful” .
If I was beautiful to him he would never have gone in the first place, he never got to really see the beauty in me because he never saw the real me , he got the addict, the junkie , the liar, he got everything about me that was not beautiful .
And after spending the last five months trying to find myself and everything that is my inner beautiful its kind of nice to know that he has gone knowing I am me again. I am beautiful both inside and out and I will never lose myself to anything or for anyone again. But I still wish he hadn’t gone . Now who is going to be my voice of reason? The one who makes me accountable and pushes me to be a better me ? I’m strong but I was never strong enough to let go of you completely and felt comfort knowing you were looking out for me. Now I do feel so very much alone.
It takes a whole lot of hurt, confusion, willpower and inner mongrel to fight your way back from that I promise you all. I have days that are great , when I am happy and I feel like I can take on anything life throws at me with or without him and let’s face it I have 100% success rate in getting through them so far and then I have days like today where I just want to pretend I’m a caterpillar and cocoon myself in the warmth of my blankets in bed…… Until I’m ready to find my wings again and keep flying.
But who will be here to catch me now if I fall Sir?