The lies I tell myself

I’ve been flat out working the last few weeks, in fact yesterday I pulled a 14 hour day after closing the boutique it was back to Miss V’s place to learn how to hand wash the vintage clothing and what care instructions need to be followed so as not to destroy a vintage lace or satin etc. After starting at 10am I finally crawled into bed at home around 1am. Today I have a day off . I also had friday and Saturday off which were the first chance I’ve had to stop and breathe in weeks.
I also had some time to unwind with a friend in the city . Walked around darling harbour and went to the markets , ate great food and generally did way too much thinking and like clock work Sir knew he needed to be in contact with me . I swear he has ESP . Whenever I’m in a situation where I could make stupid decisions he seems to appear from the other side of the world via messaging. And it places doubt and questions in my head that I wasn’t thinking before. He was already on my mind as the markets were a favourite place of ours to find beautiful lingerie together.
I know he is having a great time overseas with his new girlfriend as he was sending me photos from his holiday in the uk. And whilst I am happy that he is feeling loved and being made to feel special as he says, it makes me question why if he is so happy and feeling loved does he spend time talking to me? When I did nothing but hurt him. I don’t think he remembers the funny times and amazing sex we had as he chooses only to see my mistakes and the hurt I caused . Or does he remember ?
I don’t understand why he wastes time on me when he has been very firm about the fact that we will never have any kind of relationship or friendship ever.
I’m one very confused sub at the moment and although I have tried desperately to let go and disconnect my head and my heart from Sir I don’t know how to unlove him. I just don’t !!
I’ve met some gorgeous, kind and more than suitable dominant men who have wanted to have me as there sub but no matter how I have tried to connect , they are not him. They will never be him, and that’s my own fault that I ruined it all . But I can’t pretend they are to me anything close to what I feel about Sir as I am just lying to myself and to them and to him.
I had the opportunity to start the kind of connection I so desperately miss over the weekend but it felt strange and like we were both trying too hard. lacking of the intensity and passion of thought in the connection I feel when in the presence of my Sir and so I am giving up. I think I should just keep learning to love myself and be alone as no one will ever make me feel as whole and free as he did and it’s time I stopped pretending that I’ll ever feel so complete again. He will always be the only beautiful part of who I was , He was my one and I guess will always remain my only Master as I just can’t bring myself to give myself to anyone else. Kind of ironic really don’t you think Sir ? Maybe that is my karma for you .

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4 thoughts on “The lies I tell myself

  1. I completely understand. I’ve been there and in some ways still am. I loved a Master so deeply that I didn’t exist beyond him. He hurt me and says that we’ll never be anything anymore and yet continues to contact me. I however will always feel love for him and I want our friendship back. I didn’t think I could connect with anyone that way again. It took two years, almost to the day before I found someone that got into my head that way. It takes time and yes you have to love yourself before you can move on. Your needs will grow and change, which will allow you to connect to another. Date and be happy. Continue your journey.

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