Daring to dip

I’ve taken my time in even thinking about meeting someone or dipping my toe back into the dating or BDSM and D/s life as it’s no longer like I can just jump onto any given dating site and BAM take my pick nor do I have radar for the dominant male in a crowded bar and I haven’t been to one in months anyway. I know for sure that I can’t ever go back to vanilla. I can’t just give it all away now and change what has been awoken in me . Can’t rewind the past and i know that all too well. I don’t want what I had for the past 20 something years until I was introduced to the label of what I’ve naturally always been . Submissive .
I like my hair pulled, I like rough , I like being bound and gagged and I love nothing more than kneeling for the one I give myself to. How do you just stop. YOU DONT . Or you are just lying to yourself more .
I’ve contemplated a lot how to go about meeting others that have similar kinks and fetishes and have found lots of different websites and returned to the trusted FL to update and start fresh. I did my research and to start with found the perfect mentor who helped me put a rocket up my butt so to speak in the beginning and gave me ideas and knowledge on my life plan and negotiating the sharks that soon began to circle . He knows who he is and I thank him for his guidance when I had none .
As soon as you change that status to single and unowned which I only did this week it’s like a popularity explosion …. And everyone wants to be your friend. Sorry let me rephrase that . Every Dom wants to be your friend.
Another site I had the pleasure of coming across has also invited attention and that is something I am extremely aware of now as I have always been one that thrived on male attention and compliments and rule number 4 was in place for exactly that reason . I craved the wrong kind of attention .
Because I had no self worth I craved the attention of men even if for all the wrong reasons to make myself feel like I was loveable and wanted . I just had to love myself and be all I needed to get that self worth to start building up with each step I took on my recovery.
I met some unique individuals on these sites to say the very least , some harmless crazies and one or two downright stalker like nut jobs .
I’ve learnt the art of deflection from these type of men. Well some anyway and there have been a few like who shall remain nameless who I’ve referred to in past blogs whom I thought were both amazing guys and my judgement was way off with both. WAY OFF.
I actually absorbed those lessons though and won’t make the same mistakes in opening up or letting down my guard and putting myself in a position of vulnerability in a hurry . It is going to take sheer persistence before anyone ever gets close to my inner being again as being that completely naked and exposed and having to deal with being vulnerable and my issues of feeling anything at all is going to be a long process for me and one that only someone really amazing is going to want to deal with . I have a muddy past and it will take someone that sees it as a strength not a weakness that I am working to overcome that before I will ever allow myself to give 100% . Trust is something I’ve always given far too quickly and is one of the many reasons my life has gone in the directions it has . I gave trust when if was far from earnt . I don’t know that I will ever trust anyone but myself completely and that scares me because how do i then completely surrender when I find him and eventually I need to be able to be open to the possibility of love and emotions and caring again and that simply petrifies me in so many ways . What if I used all I had up learning to love myself .
How can I ever race head first into loving when I am afraid of not being able to or worse actually loving and losing that again. Do I just say upfront. I might not ever be able to and be done with it. I’m scared to let anyone get too close incase I hurt them or push them away in my usual act of self sabotage .
The honesty of my past I have no issue being upfront about . As I learnt lies destroy your whole world .
Judge me or don’t is the option they get on that.
Anyway I’ve been thinking about it a lot as I have started talking to someone who makes me want to continue working on myself for all the right reasons , so when and if the possibility of those butterflies developing into something more occurs I am on the road to being prepared this time around. Just taking each day as it comes as I still have plenty of self love to do first

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3 thoughts on “Daring to dip

  1. I see you posted this tomorrow… Making you from the future!!! Always a scary proposition. I found you through a comment on a mutual friend’s site. I know you’re from The Land Down Under… don’t worry.

    Anyway I just wanted to say congratulations on kicking the drugs and getting healthy. That is not easy to do and I applaud you for it. Not having participated in the D/s lifestyle I may not completely get it, but I truly believe that you know what works for you and I hope you find your Dom.

    Two thumbs up for you. I don’t even know you but I’m very proud of you.

    Liked by 2 people

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