That’s right as after thinking long and hard about the depressive pity party tantrum I had over the last few days I was embarrassed by my behaviour and the words that must have stung him and for that I need to apologise. He is right as usual . Why can’t I just be happy that he is happy? I’ve known for months now that US is no longer an option but it still hurt to hear that he had moved on, it stung my heart and made me sad but I am just as proud of him for beating his addiction even if he did go away to do that . He did what he had to do the same as me. I’m so glad that we both got through it as if one of us hadn’t it would have been so much harder. If nothing else we kept our final promise to each other that we would beat meth and get healthy and that makes me smile as we made it out the other side . Not delusional about it being a daily fight but the hardest part is over .
He deserves to find happiness the same as I do and even if it can’t be with me as long as I know he is being loved and taken care of the way I never could in my drug addled state then I have no right to ask for more.
I think the hardest part of letting go is having to feel every thing over again and having each memory both good and bad replaying and knowing that I will never be able to fix the mistakes I made . I was lucky to have Sir walk into my life when he did as he was the person who shook me awake and made me see that I had lost myself when no one else was brave enough to . He was my guardian angel sent not to save me but to make sure lessons were learnt and I knew how to save myself and to make sure I got to where I needed to be to recover with my loved ones and friends . He was my mirror and he will be the friendship I miss most in my life but just because it hurts to hear it does not take all the good things he did to show me I can be strong, I can fight and I can learn to love myself again and beat my addiction all by myself nor does it change my amazing memories of the positive and funny times we had together . Possibly the greatest act of love he ever showed me was his final one by leaving me and for that I thank him xx
And he will always be my greatest addiction ……